Darwin Awards - local punx win gold

Thanks to the skipper - what a guy he is! We ended up, rich, every man jack and girl jill of us. Rich as astronauts. Hahahahahah!! Bad luck for the punx of this drab little dirtball planet. There was no honour among that gang of thieves. We prepare an isolated warehouse. Shuttles in position, at handover I am in my accustomed key position, near the back of the warehouse with a good overview, overseeing the less experienced crembers, calming, motivating, using my presence to project confidence and charisma as ever. It's tense as hell. Just when we think everything sorted, one of the cretinous little suckers pulls out a rocket-propelled grenade launcher and points it at Madonna [she's the primary pick-up shuttle; Child is still hanging back ready to give support].
Luckily I am sharpeyed enough and shout a warning to Captain W. who draws like a cobra takes him down and we all open fire and wipe out the gang. They wanted to mix it with the MG crew?? Stooooo-pid. I think we got quite a few of em, a good little challenge for local cops to figger out what happened but I don't think they'll shed too many tears about that lot - local crime will probably fall by 50% since we adiosed those muchachos. Just think of us as Darwinism In Action.

Having a lovely time on a nice ship.

Now quite recovered from the ship's concert party and entertainments. I now have the hearing back in my right ear and my eyebrows have grown back. I think the indoor fireworks with music display was appreciated and I was quite pleased at how many different explosion colours I could make with detonations using bits of grenade warhead mixed with chemicals from the nutrimat and metal filings from assorted ship's fittings!

Having had enough of Ollie's arrogance - he never calls, typical bloke - I have shifted my allegiance to Cong Li, so we are now sisters together, though she didn't actually let me join her gang, as such...I think she was not as impressed as I'd hoped by the alterant flowers [triffid seeds] I tried to give her....well I will have to see what I can do to impress her and my fellow space pirates, arrrr, [as they say.]

It was quite like old times with our bunch of merry scamps getting involved in the loot handover planetside, selling 'the merchandise' for 'a big bag of credit chips', ah me, I can get quite misty-eyed sometimes, I suppose I always was involved in so-called 'crime' mostly for the excitement. But this time it was profitable too!
The combat crew for the mission were getting quite excited, and a few of them were jabbering about having visited this system before, and having left a stolen tank hidden ['in case it came in handy' hmm]. They listened to me quite respectfully when I shared a few apercus about handovers, and I have done a few in my time, usually hostages; though no one asked me how I knew about such things. I suppose my background remains a somewhat closed book to these folk!
But, having listened, Captain Weiser refused to let me take part in the business - he was a total utter sweetie about it, but very firm [ooer] saying that he couldn't risk 'a valuable astronaut' in a dirtside combat. It's been a long time since anyone called me 'valuable', not since two quadrants and three aliases ago I think. I was touched.

Poem on Being Appreciated - by Wallace

Oh, thank you my dear Captain Weiser
You really could not have been nicer!
So polite, yet...manly too...
Beloved by your motley crue!
You saved them on that threatened shuttle
Strong, witty, brave - and always subtle,
So - thank you my dear Captain Weiser!
I've work to do, so now - goodbye sir.

The Ape's Tale

Any resemblance to real events is entirely concindental,
Any reproduction or unauthoriesd use, without the express written permission of the "Ape" is ...well I couldn't care a fig


On shit arse planet somewhere in the future...

Hey what do you boys and girls want? ...some sweets?

Okay, but you know the deal, I get to tell about my times aboard the "Material Girl"

What do you mean 'shit'! I'm not a charity you know!!!!

...you dont want any bullshit!! lokkie here I am noted for honesty, honest as the Emperor Zhang Lee!!!

Yeah well maybe you're right he was some real crafty son of a 2 brained bitch..

Now where was I last time oh yeah I just wiped out those giant man eating flying reptiles singlehanded, do you want hear that bit again......oh okay

Well lets see oh yeah, me and the gang went back upstairs, to the colonial station, spent a bit, shopped a bit and then strode out to have our last decent meal at a classy restaraunt. Well I got the table rapt with attention, I was quite a conversationalist then, as I am now come to think about it, and then "bang Bang BANG" ....bloody hell and I mean bloody hell two guys come in long swirling coats and more importantly 2 semis in their lefts and rights... I think fucking hell and then they ice a bunch of spacers sitting around do nothing, and then without a word the two bad guys are gone....now you guys know me brave as a lion but hells bells I get out of there quick. Anyways we got back to the hotel and and then things got bad for me, the Gang compared facts and we
realised that all the spacers had been shot in the head clean no pissing no missing no chance from normally pretty wildy inaccurate semi automatics by assasins who moved like gymnasts swift faster than fast and economically... the hit was from a bunch of highly trained perfects...Marines at least. Well Wallace you know I talked about her before, the smart brainy broad with a dozen the microgrenades in her bra, well Wallace she took some pics of the bodies on the way out, and got ids on the spacers. The spacers wern't ordinary spacers but crew from another independant trader, PIRATES, holy shit these assasins were marine trained targetting pirates... I was worried. Anyways we changed hotels and kept a low profile and no further shit happened before reboarding for the Material Girl and we was outtathere there with big phew from me. I really did not like being anywhere Marine trained Assassins targeting pirates.....Now proper marines yeah no problem, like the time I took down 4 Marines and a combat robot singlehanded with just a feather duster whilst standing on one leg whilisting the Martian National Anthem "100 bullets".

What you don't want to hear about that again.....hrrruummmph allright then lets see where I was before you guys distarcted me.....

Anyways we start hauling out of Saunders ....get to the m-25 and..off into hyperspace or whatever it is...and we on our way somewhere.Now life on a pirate ship in the deep can get to be a bit dull, so well I had the amazingly brilliant idea of providing some entertainment for the crew. Singing, dancing, juggling, fireworks and quaint music and real spectacular. We set up in the mess area, thats where used to eat you know, put up decorations rigged the lighting paid people to come and so on. Of course the best was the my act, recalling a few of many experiences and spectacular ancedotes like the time I took down a Bafuku Dragon after my rifle jammed by headbutting it to death. Yup that tale went down so well, some the audience where crying with so much emotion they had to run out of the show. If say it myself my story really moved the audience.

Anyway we finally came out of hyperspace and the captain announced the Material Girl was inbound to Beelzebub, damn shit I thought, anyway it didnt matter what I thought. The captain assembled the senior crew plus Wallace, Giles and Suzie Chaing. What Suzie Chiang...I haven't said anything about her before her.... whats to say well she was some mamma that one, hard as nails and sneaky as the devil an part of Cong Li's gang. Let me tell you when we was back at Saunders station how she set up Wallace. Wallace she was trying to shove her head up Congs Li's arse trying to get into Cong's gang. Well it was pretty neat of Wallace she tried to get onside with Suzie and then get Suzie to make a pitch for her to Cong. Well Suzie being a Class A bitch wasn't being used like that. She told Wallace that a classy way of approaching Cong Li was to buy a present not some tacky jewlery but something thoughful with class, so Wallace goes out buys a packet by seeds, some wierd shit exotic plant seeds. Hmmm ok thats different like way out weird but I ain't saying anything, nice says Slickly Sweet Suzie, Ms Li will love that, what an actor Suzie is, beautiful. Back aboard the ship Wallace goes up to Cong Lee, ands says I got a gift for you, Cong Lee says ok then what, Wallace produces the seeds, Cong Lee twitches her lips then and tosses them to one her crew, then turns and walks off. Wallace is left standing looking a bit girlie. Like everyone knows Cong Li was a tank girl, she don't do girlie shit like flowers, pink and cute plants, Wallace would have been better givin' her insignificant other Jolie Roggeur an amputating right chop to the windpipe and knee to the bollocks than pissing around with a buch of seeds!..... .....

Now I completely lost track now.. oh yeah the Captain has called in the senior crew plus some other....

Bloomin' heck course I was there. I was senior crew on the Material Girl. The Captain was always asking my opinion. The captain had a buyer for the Warehouse 52 heist, now it was time to deliver the goods and get the cash. After a brief disscussion we came up with the plan for the exchange.Well we wanted it away from prying eyes like cops and so on so we chose a rural area. We wanted some back up near us so Suzie Chiang got us shuttle clearance off her brother......

No not her hood brother I mean her real brother in flight control really handy having contacts and people in the know. With Sweet Suzie's contacts we could shuttle down with the crates take over a barn, then do the swap in the barn, the bad guys turn up with a couple vehicles of fellows 12 , sidearms only for everyone and no armoured suits, we do the swap and bobs your uncle no one gets hurt, no double cross and Cong Li's in charge of the exchange agroup of 6 of us, Cong Li's got a lot quick backup, a couple shuttles full of armoured pirates, like me!, stashed in a local river and so everyones happy... except I got a bad feeling the guy who we are dealing with was the same one the Cpok faced down when we was last at Beelzebub, Jarvis, this guy is going to do a double cross no question. But we go ahead make contact with Jarvis and arrange the deatils of exchange.

But I still got bad vibe about this exchange but I have to speak to the Captain. So I sees the Captain in his office, knock kncok "Ape here Captain I got see ya", "IN"

I enter and "Thunk" right by my head theres a quivering knife,
"Yes Ape",
"err Capt I dont know whats in them's crates we is selling to this Jarvis but he's gonna double cross you I promise, I had dealings with guy before" I tell the capt about Jarvis and the previous run in and the goods we had heisted off the DAFT terrorists and then onto sold Jarvis.

The Captian wern't happy he sent another knife thunking a wisker past my head, "Ape I wish you told me that before. Get out. NOW!"
Ok he reassembles the senior crew and he says "we doing this a bit different, I'm coming down myself"

Well the exchange pretty well went down as thought out. A group of 6 led by the Captain and 1st Officer in civies and sidearms took over a barn the rest us stashed aboard shuttles hidden in a nearby river. You know it was odd seeing these little fishies swimming around fascinating really quite relaxing watching swirl around... err anyway back to the action and the exchange. Jarvis turns up with a bunch of extra goons in three cars and the Capt ain't happy, he faces down Jarvis and demands double payment for the goods, Jarvis ain't happy but when the two shuttles full of pirates turns up he smiles the rigor mortis smile of "the I'm been had and I know it" and Jarvis scurries away like the rat he was to get the extra cash.

Anyway he comes back with the cash, and its time to inspect the goods. Jarvis sends in his inspector and goon with a suitcase of cash. Our Suzie checks the cash, their technical checks the crates, the cash is good, the crates are good. Its all going sweetly. The crates get loaded into Jarvis's vehicles and the cash goes into my shuttle its still going sweetly ....and then surprise surprise, one of Jarvis's wannabes slyly pulls out a rocket launcher from the one of their cars and starts raising it towards the open ramp of the shuttle full of marines, the goons quick but I'm quicker when I'm not on the grog, and the goons deader than......ummm......dead and then the rest backup-team swarm out of the shuttles and frag Jarvis and his gang in hail of grenade and SCA fire, couple of us take suit kills, but they are all...raptor food.

Its time to get out there and off we went.. later on the board the material girl we are trying to work out how much cash was in that suitcase and the shares, we are all bugging Suzie but that bird ain't singing.....

Its time for to go now but ....well where you going?....to do something interesting like watch paint dry well ..great can I come...

oh well alright .....yeah see ya round............................bloody ungrateful wretches .

'Ape' Praxis